Managing to have energy and empathy for your Spouse.

This topic comes with a harsh reality. Being in a  romantic relationship, a parent and a helping professional (or just one of the 3)  tends to be a serious juggling event for the personal emotions of a therapist. So how in the world do you have enough energy left after working with clients all day, caring for your children all evening to manage the emotions of your spouse? In all honesty, I have struggled a lot to balance the three. Having the ability to have any emotion left for your spouse comes with a huge responsibility and headache! Lol Thankfully, my experiences have taught me how to find ways to release a tad bit of emotion for my spouse at the end of the day. I believe that people have the perception that therapists all have awesome relationships and have not experienced terrible ones. Unfortunately, this perception is so wrong. Most of the amazing therapists that I know have struggled with difficult romantic relationships for a variety of reasons. The reason that occurs the most tends to be that therapists attract and are attracted to people that have serious emotional trauma. We as therapists have an subconscious desire to help people, which leads to us having difficult and at times unhealthy relationships. The fact is simple—in the helping business, you have to find a spouse that has some emotional regulation (they do not have to be perfect).

Many therapists struggle to admit that they need to be catered too by their spouse at the end of stressful and busy days. They feel that that since they teach emotional regulation throughout the day, they manage their emotions perfectly. This is far from being true! Therapists become overwhelmed, stressed and frustrated by the days events and do not have enough gas left to pay attention to their spouse. This fact leads to arguments and intense disagreements. Also, therapists can be hypercritical of their spouse, and have unrealistic expectations of how they should behave and interact. This of-course leads to a lot of negativity and resentment in the relationship. We cannot let this happen! I believe that helping professionals should spend time having conversations with their spouse to discuss needs and wants, just as they instruct their clients too.

The truth is, “We, therapists, need love and affection as much as the next person.” Having an emotionally unhealthy spouse can cause a lot of difficulty and unnecessary stress for a therapist. Blurred lines will occur- and the therapist will be reminded of their clients and will have reactions that do not relate to their personal situations. The therapist will become a caretaker and counselor to their spouse, rather than being a lover. This will cause additional exhaustion emotionally for the therapist due to working 24/7 to care for others. It is very important to have time to relax and release stress at tension with the love of your spouse. It is extremely important to find a spouse that will be understanding of the emotional patterns of therapist and will be willing to provide the support that they need.

We all know that adding relaxation to our routines are extremely important. Therapists can rattle of a long list of relaxation techniques that they utilize to center themselves. What about their spouse? Do they leave the spouse out of the plan? No, we add them into the equation. So why do we not add it to our relationships regularly? There should be at least 1 relaxation routine/practice that should include your spouse. These activities can include, reading together, completing puzzles together, going to the spa together etc. Why should we relax together? Simple, any time that you spend with your spouse creates togetherness. Therapists and their spouse should attempt to practice a relaxation technique atleast 1 time a week together.

I believe that to keep your relationship alive with your spouse, you need to carve out special times to go on Monthly dates. These dates should be planned with some touchy feely romance and no children. It is very important to remind each other how much you enjoy each other’s company and allow for time to spark that romance! Yes, therapists it is important for you to experience these emotions too. Therapists tend to forget the importance of spending time putting energy in ourselves and our relationships. We use all of our energy to help our clients out and do not leave room for our romantic relationship

I feel that finding time for intimacy can be extremely difficult for all couples, even therapists. As stated above, our client’s carry the expectation that we have extremely intimate relationships with our spouses and they are perfect! Many therapists struggle to “feel” intimacy because they become overwhelmed by the wants and needs of their clients.  Exhaustion often occurs, and therapists tell me that they generally only have enough energy for their children. How do we remedy this situation? In a variety of ways. Therapist can wake up ten minutes earlier in the morning and start the day off with cuddles and kisses for their spouse. They can leave romantic notes, texts and treats around for their spouse. Also, you should ensure that you have “connection” (lol) time with your spouse a few times a week. This will release tension that you and your spouse feel and keep the connection intact. Also, therapists should spend time asking their spouse if they feel that their needs and wants are met in calm conversation monthly to help communication and understanding remain open.

In conclusion, therapists should work a little harder to have meaningful and intimate relationships with their spouses. Therapist need to ensure that their spouse feels loved, included and important. Also, the therapist in turn should feel that they have someone who will care for them as they wiggle through all of their client’s journey. Take some time today to spend time in conversation with our spouse to see how you can implement some of the suggestions in your relationship.  Achieving these goals and meeting these needs will help the therapist have balance in their lives outside of their cozy little offices!